I Open My Mouth Twice a Day to Change Feet

Ok. Ever since I was little (and that was a looooong time ago), I have been quite adept at saying the wrong thing. It's not that there is absolutely NO filter between my brain and mouth, it's just that the filter needs to be reset, I guess. This is never more amusing than at work. While reading the following, please keep in mind that I am an OB/GYN nurse practitioner.

When first licensed, and able to work on my own, I had a very busy, very long, very tiring day, complicated by having many obese, large-ginormously cystic-breasted women. These puppies take a long time to examine.

Allow me to digress a moment: readers (specifically women) are you checking your breasts for lumps once a month? Should be after your period. If you don't get one anymore, first, Congratulations! Ain't it nice not to have your period? :o) So check your puppies on the first day of each month. Let your monthly bill-paying be a reminder. And if you're 40 and over, get a mammogram every year. One of those can find a bad spot up to 10 years before you can feel it. And get a professional (come see me!) check your breasts once a year, more often if you have problems. If you think something is wrong and your NP or Doc gaffs you off, get a second opinion. Ok, I'm off the soapbox. Back to story.

My last patient of this horrible day was a sexually active 16 year old, first such exam. I was my usual put-them-at-ease self until the DUN-DUN-DUNNNNNNN! breast exam. I was weary and was sort of on remote control. This young lady had smooth tissued, B-cuppers. Absentmindedly, I said, "Nice breasts!" Well, you should have seen the look on her face. I thought she was gonna run out of the room in her paper drapes. So I start furiously back-peddling. "No, you don't understand......" and I explained my day and the reason for my comment. Still, she looked wary, at least. "Really," I said, "I'm not gay. I'm married and have three kids!" This calmed her enough to let me finish her exam. As you know, we work top to bottom, so to speak, so for her, the worst was yet to come.

Fast fwd. some years (don't forget, I've been working at the health department for 23 years). I am doing an exam on a lady I've known for quite a while, one of my favorites. She's a tiny, thin thing and the first patient I had seen who had had a laparoscopic gallbladder removal. I have an 8-inch incision from mine, which they reused when I gave my Dad a kidney, but that's another story. I get to the breast exam. I step back and ask her to raise her arms to be sure the breasts lift equally. Just then, I notice those tiny scars from her GB surgery and say, "Wow! You're so lucky!" She looked down, put her hands over her breasts and said "I always thought they were too small!" You know, she was in again today, and years later, we still laugh over that.

And the latest happened just last week. First know that when someone has their blood drawn, or any painful procedure, and gets fainty, more than likely they have an empty stomach and low blood sugar. We get them a soda and they perk up real nice-like. We keep some of the little 6-ounce sodas in the fridge for just such occasions. So this teenaged girl comes in for an STD check. Seems she and some friends rented a hotel in town and she "got stupid." I clarified; she used drugs. I already noticed that her pupils were so dilated that I truly couldn't tell what color her eyes were. Hmmmm. I asked her what drugs she did at the hotel. "A little coke, pot, and alchohol." Ok. I asked when she last used. "Oh, a while ago." Experience tells me this could be two months, weeks, days or even hours. So I asked "How long is that? Now, tell the truth. Your eyes are so dilated I can't tell what color they are." She said yesterday. So I asked her what she used. "A little coke, some pot, drank alcohol." We discussed drug counseling, which she seemed positive about. Or I could be hooked like a stupid fish, whatever. We do the referrals and pray hard. I finished her exam and I told her that next she would see the nurse and have her blood drawn for syphilis and HIV. She said, "Oh, I hope I don't faint." "Haven't you eaten today?" I queried. No, not all day, she said. So I told her that we'd get her something. She was eager for food (typical drug thing) and asked what we had. Without thinking, I said ............."A little coke." Her eyes got REAL wide, and the next second, I clarified, "NO, not THAT kind! Coca-cola!!! We have these little cans of coke!" Then we both had a good laugh. And I gave her that and the yogurt from my lunch. She didn't faint. Or report me for being an idiot.

Y'all have a pleasant evening.